A template for law schools' press releases, now that the USNWR rankings are in.

Well, the rankings are out, and the annual "let's figure out what to say in our press release" dilemma begins.  Here's a template for some law schools to consider.

Dear [stakeholder or possible donor]:

We are pleased to tell you that our law school ranking [increased more than we expected] [increased a negligible amount, but we're going to tout the change as if it were huge] [went down far enough that we've called in sick for the foreseeable future] [went down a negligible amount that will provide us with a disproportionate amount of grief for far too long] [stayed the same].

We are, of course, the best school in [the country--if we're Yale] [the region] [the state] [the city] [the part of the city in which we are located].  Our quality is reflected by [our reputational ranking] [our admissions numbers] [our placement rate] [our bar passage rate] [the ability of our marketing people to think creatively].

Even though we're [superb] [excellent] [very good] [really, really decent] [surprised that we're still here], we have committed to doubling our efforts to [track down unemployed alumni on various social media sites so that we can fill in the now-less-easy-to-cheat-on placement statistics] [rethink our curriculum in changing times] [write imaginative press releases that make us look as if we're moving in the right direction] [figure out how to steal budget money from other units on campus].

We thank you for your support, and we look forward to giving you even better news next year.

Of course, it's easier for me to write a post like this one given that we did just fine in the rankings.  But some of the press releases that are pouring in are just too funny to ignore.